Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen

It is well known that divorce is hard. The couple can feel anger, sadness, disappointment, and even embarrassment. This is so true that it is a cliche.

What we don’t discuss often, and maybe we should, is the effect that divorce has on extended family. The pain caused by the divorce to grandparents, aunts and uncles is not obvious. It isn’t as intense as it is for the principle parties, either. However, extended family members can be treated to some of the couple’s problems when family events turn into child possession wars.

When special occasions arise, arrangements for the child’s attendance often have to be made with an uncooperative, hostile ex-spouse. Too often, the children cannot join the family because:

1. The noncustodial parent’s visitation normally takes place when the family event is scheduled. If you only get to see your kids for 2 weekends a month, you might not be inclined to give up, or even postpone your time with them. This is especially true if the custodial parent is in the habit of making plans with the child during the other parent’s visitation time, or has been less than generous when the other parent has asked for concessions.

2. Any good will the other parent had towards the family has been used up. It is easier to find it in one’s heart to be generous to someone who has stayed neutral during the divorce. If Grandma maintains a cordial attitude towards the ex-spouse, she will be much more likely to cooperate with grandma’s requests for the child’s time. If, however, Grandma made it clear that she blames everything that went wrong on the ex-spouse, and treats him accordingly, it is less likely that the ex-spouse will be inclined to go out of his way to honor a special request from gramma.

When the ex makes the extended family work too hard for a relationship with the child, they often give up trying. Unfortunately, the child is the one who suffers because he is denied participation in what should be a positive part of his existence. Even when the child is old enough to make his own decisions, the chance to form bonds may have passed, and what could have been close enduring relationships are no longer available.

I have made wills for people who exclude children of ex-spouses because they never got to know and bond with the child. The child grows up thinking her extended family doesn’t care, and the extended family learns not to have the child in their lives. Sadly, the normal bonds are severed, not by any desire or action on the child’s part, but because the adults in charge of his rearing were too short sighted to recognize that their fights weren’t necessarily his.

There are things relatives can do to keep the child active in the family. For one thing, staying out of the divorce will help. Unless the child is in danger, there is little you can say that can help the judge decide child custody. Since you are related to one of the parties, your statements are more likely to seem tainted and colored by your love for the spouse who is related. If you have to testify because you were subpoenaed, don’t demonize the other parent. The judge won’t care that you dislike your soon to be ex-in-law, but the ex will, and is more likely to influence the child against you if you have been unkind or hostile on the stand.

Don’t use visits with the child as an opportunity to tell her what a jerk either of her parents happen to be. Even if you are complaining to another adult, chances are that the children will hear what you are saying, and report it back to the custodial parent. Since the custodian is only human, putting him down, or enumerating his faults is only going to convince him that you are a bad influence on the child.

Members of extended families do not have visitation rights. Their contact with the child is totally dependent on their bond with the child’s parents. The court will give the non-custodial parent times and places to be in the child’s life. The custodial parent will be more inclined to be flexible and generous with the child’s time if the person asking has been fair and not been a hostile presence in the divorce proceedings. In short, the best way to keep a good relationship when your grandchild, niece or nephew’s parents are divorcing is to keep a polite tongue in your head, and stay out of the fight. .

Recognising the traumatic situation, children are in; divorce courts pay utmost importance to child welfare. Other than deciding child custodial issues, the legal process is also interested in child residential issues. Placing paramount importance to child welfare, the parents, mediators or the court might arrive at different decisions best suited to each individual case.

Splitting Siblings to Live With Different Parents

Each family is unique. In families where there are more than one or two children, each parent might decide to each take a child. This may be the best decision in the given circumstances, but splitting siblings is not good. Over the years, siblings form a common bond and turn role models and best friends to each other. They suffer much in the absence of the other.

If circumstances necessitate their separation, every effort must be made to reduce their pain. They should be enabled to maintain a regular contact with each other. Maximum separation anxiety is felt immediately after separation. This stage should be carefully handled.

As separation induces pain, parents are experimenting with a new concept called ‘nestling’ in a bid to protect their children from the pangs of separation.

Nestling – A New Concept

Children find it painful to vacate and relocate to a different place with their custodial parent. Even after relocating with the lone parent; they have to keep commuting between the houses of both their parents.

Constant travel is difficult. Parents realising the pain such disruption offers, leave the children in the marital home and shift to individual residences outside. They take turns in visiting the children every week.

This new concept of nestling does not enjoy long tenure success. Parents find it difficult to change residence every few days. This difficulty in commuting becomes more difficult when either parent remarries. Leaving behind the spouse and step children (if any) for even a few days every week proves difficult to manage.

Such disruption evokes mere silence from younger children, while, the older children (teenagers)react with anger.

How Teenagers React

The disruption in living arrangements and lifestyle in general, affects children but teenagers are more vociferous in their displeasure. They like children of all other age groups feel they are responsible for their parental divorce. The helplessness of their parental separation leaves them angry and they tend to blame one parent. Usually, the custodial parent bears the brunt of anger. Majority of teenagers seek solace in the false power of anger to deal with the negativity of divorce.

Parents can help their teenaged children, by taking care to not make them a part of the conflict. Parents generally make the mistake of repeatedly questioning the children about the ex spouse. Some even speak negatively about their ex in a bid to alienate the children. Such acts must be avoided.

Reactions of Other Family Members

Grandparent and grandchildren relationships are precious and every person looks forward to grand parenting. Arrival of tiny children at home gives all grandparents a second chance at parenting.

However, this much longed for relationship develops impediments by the acrimonious divorce of their offspring. Bitter divorce fights completely alienates grandparents from their grandchildren. Contact further diminishes if children are forced to relocate with their custodial parent to a different place. Geographical and emotional distance prevents children from bonding with their grandparents. They thus lose valuable grandparental love.

Divorce thus affects each and every family member including the pets.

Pet Visitation

The law treats pets as property. Couples have to work out their own arrangements regarding the time either gets to spend with the pet and also the sharing of pet maintenance expenditure. If there are children in the family, it is best to leave the pet in the same house as the children.

Divorce affects everyone in the family – children, grandparents, and even pets. Every effort is being made to minimise child discomfort. Each arrangement has certain inherent drawbacks. Nothing can be comparable to the warmth and secure atmosphere provided by a two parent family and an undivided home.

Product Description
— Judith Wallerstein… More >>

From Father’s Property to Children’s Rights: The History of Child Custody in the United States

Divorce is extremely difficult on a person emotionally and physically. This is especially true for children. It is very important that they have the proper help and support during this difficult time. They need to know and understand that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them very much.

How you can help:

1. Both parents must work hard at putting aside their anger and hard feelings toward each other when it comes to the kids. If possible, you should sit down and make child care arrangements that will be suitable for both of you and more importantly the children. This is much easier and less painful than having to go into court and have them decide for you.

2. You have to be able to pull together to help the children through this hard time. Redefine your relationship with your former spouse. Instead of seeing yourselves as former spouses rather see yourselves as joint custodians working together for what’s best for your kids. Create as much stability as you can for your kids. If one parent decides to go against their commitment to help their kids in a responsible way, you should take the higher ground and help and support them as best you can.

3. You should not keep the divorce a secret from the children. You need to tell them what’s going on and what to expect. Try to give them at least a little bit of notice before one parent moves out so that the child can have the time to deal with it and ask questions. Reassure the child that both parents still love them and are going to be there for them and that nothing has changed in that sense.

4. Do not put blame on anyone when you are talking to your children. Do not put down the other parent in any way. It is important that the children know that they still have two dependable and trustworthy parents to take care of them.

5. Make your child aware that they are not going to be able to get the both of you back together. Tell them that there is nothing that they can do to make the situation go away.

6. Explain to your kids where they are going to live and that they can see the other parent any time they want to. You can tell them that there may be some changes in that later on, but it is not going to affect their relationship. Let them ask any questions that they may have for you both.

7. Giving the child the right information and not too much information is important, you do not want them to feel anxious or worry about anything that is not their concern. They have to feel comfortable with the news that you told them and give them some time to adjust to the idea.

DISCLAIMER: The following is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer.

Finding a great lawyer when you are a divorced dad can be challenging. Here are some helpful insights:

Any dad looking to gain or expand visitation or custody rights must do some research to find a lawyer that has a track record in Family Court. Not every lawyer has the knowledge or experience needed to help you. There are specific steps you can take to find the best lawyer for you.

First, check the lawyer’s track record. He should be able to show you final orders from a court in previous cases that show what the lawyer has achieved. Whatever the particulars of your case, you need to see your lawyer’s track record, to see if the lawyer is capable of obtaining the results you are seeking.

If the lawyer you are interviewing refuses to show you orders, you should tell him that you understand the purpose of a lawyer is to go to court and prove a point. A large part of proving a point hinges on being to present evidence.

Many lawyers will get flustered at this point. But you asking them for proof of their assertion that they have the experience to help you achieve the results you are seeking should not be difficult.

You can add, “I don’t need to see the names of your former clients. But I do need to see that you represented other fathers and assisted them in obtaining a favorable court order in this type of case.” It’s not an unreasonable request – after all you’ll be paying thousands of dollars.

Another thing to consider when looking at the orders the lawyer has obtained is whether they were reached by consent. If an order is on consent, the case was easier than if it was argued before a judge. If the ruling was reached by arguing the merits of the case before a judge, then the lawyer actually had to “duke it out”.

One last thing: If he refuses to show you court orders, move on. Picking the right lawyer can save you lots of time and money. It can mean the difference between winning and losing.

Divorced dads looking to get a joint custody arrangement or even sole custody cannot just walk into court and expect a favorable outcome. The court system can be a treacherous arena. It can sometimes feel similar to stepping back to the Roman times when they used to throw people in with the lions. Finding a great lawyer requires the right set of skills.

You can win in Family Court if you adopt strategies and tactics of successful divorced dads, most importantly waging peace on behalf of your children, instead of waging war.

Finding a lawyer who understands this and who can show you they’ve been successful in Family Court takes time, patience and effort.

But the results are well worth it: Peace for you and your children.

During my divorce, I wished for a divorce roadmap. That’s why we created a weekly telewebcast, to help men like yourself.

If you’ve lost in Family Court, don’t give up. There is always hope. You’ve likely lost because you didn’t understand that winning means learning how to effectively “wage peace” in Family Court.

It’s definitely tougher to improve and win when you’re a dad in Family Court. Base your game plan and strategies upon those of the many successful fathers. You will improve your chances of success immeasurably. Get help from dads who have done what you are doing.

Product Description
No Description Available… More >>

Before the Best Interests of the Child

Marriages in the United States are legal contracts between a husband and a wife. While you might simply leave your spouse, if something were to happen to either of you, the other might be liable for debt, or inherit money that you don’t want to allow your spouse to have. A divorce is the way to legally dissolve a marriage and split shared assets. Although divorces are emotionally taxing, most of them are resolved amicably and not in bitterly contested court proceedings.

There are the basic types of divorce:

1. No-fault

2. Fault

3. Summary divorce

No-Fault

If neither partner contests the grounds for a divorce it is considered a no-fault divorce. You both want to dissolve the marriage and move on without laying blame or guilt on the other. Over the last thirty-five years, no-fault divorce has become the dominant basis for divorce. In many marriages, the relationship may be over for several months, the husband and wife are already living separately, and a no-fault divorce simply puts a legal stamp on the new arrangement.

No-fault divorces are more civil than other divorces. Usually, “irreconcilable differences” are cited as the reason for dissolution. The no-fault option is emotionally easier on you. The courts recognize that sometimes marriages fail and there is no reason to get into a heated battle just to part ways. Currently, all 50 states allow no-fault divorces.

Fault

Only thirty-two states presently have laws recognizing fault in some divorce cases. Some of the grounds for seeking a fault divorce may include:

• Adultery

• Physical abuse

• Mental abuse

• Attempted murder

• Drug use

• Impotency

Finding fault in one spouse may affect child custody and division of property. It may also provide an emotional release for one party to find fault in the dissolution of the marriage by being able to blame the spouse.

Summary divorce

Most states offer another option to couples without a lot of baggage involved in the relationship. A summary divorce can be granted to couples with no children and little property to dispute.

Some of the benefits to a summary divorce include:

• Less paperwork to file

• Fewer court appearances

• Easy negotiations

When children are involved

One of the hardest parts about dissolving a marriage is how it affects the children. Often children do not understand why parents are getting divorced and may feel that they are partially to blame. It is important to work with your spouse to minimize the conflict of the divorce and establish as stable a home environment as soon as possible.

In many cases, you and your spouse will work together to determine the best arrangement for your children. If that is not possible, you may want to retain an experienced divorce attorney to help you mediate a good working arrangement. Remember this stage of the process is vital to the emotional well being of your children and should not become bitter and divisive.

If you and your spouse cannot agree to custody and child support arrangements, the court will step in and base their decisions in the child’s best interest. Most states will lean toward allowing the mother physical custody of the children, and assess child support to the father. If the mother is proven incapable of parenting, the courts may decide for the father. Regardless, it is best to work these issues out with your spouse ahead of time so the court doesn’t have to step in.

Dissolving a marriage is a big step in life that should not be taken lightly. Even if you are certain that you can no longer live with your spouse, be prepared for an emotionally draining process, especially when children are involved.

When the matter of child custody and rights to a child evolve, the battle is a long one with unmarried parents. Married parents who get divorced do not have to prove paternity to retain rights, while parents who are not married may be required to prove paternity. A family law lawyer is best to consult with on your rights as a parent and should be consulted before entering into any legal proceedings or filing for custody or child support.

If a child is born out of wedlock, the mother is automatically granted custody unless an adjudication or registration of paternity is filed. For the father to seek custody or visitation rights, he must establish that he is the father of the child through blood tests or DNA tests. Consult with a family law attorney on the best way to obtain a paternity test.

Establishing paternity does not automatically guarantee custody, though. Fathers must obtain a court order if they want to be granted custody of the child; otherwise most courts still assume the mother has custody.

But unmarried fathers who prove paternity and obtain court orders are still entitled to the same rights as a divorced father as long as there are no issues that would make that person a threat to the child such as domestic violence and abuse.

If both partners agree on a custody and visitation plan, the judge will usually sign it and it will become a court order. But in cases where one or both parents do not agree on a plan, the court will resolve the issue. The best way to resolve custody disputes is through the court, as a court order will be a legal document by which both parents must abide.

There are two types of custody that must be discussed. Physical custody refers to who the child will live with permanently, while legal custody refers to who will make decisions about the child’s healthcare, education, religion, etc.

Most custody arrangements grant joint legal custody and sole physical custody with the non-custodial parent given visitation rights. However, if it is determined that one of the parents is unfit to make decisions about the child’s life or it is in the child’s best interest not to have any contact with the other parent, sole physical and legal custody is often granted to one party. Joint physical custody is agreed upon and/or granted in some cases as well.

Unmarried parents with further questions about child custody are encouraged to seek legal counsel to resolve issues.

Product Description
You may need to journey down the warpath to stand up for what you must. Or if you and your X2B don’t hate each other just because you are getting a divorce, you may work together to custom design your new, separate lives, or your new two-home family. This book tells you in detail exactly what you need know to make informed decisions, describes how you can write up your decisions in a legally binding document, or what will happen if you go to court. The … More >>

The Four Ways of Divorce: A Concise Guide to What You Need to Know About Divorce Using Litigation, Negotiation, Collaboration and Mediation

At some point in time, when children are at the forefront of a divorce case, an evaluator may be called in to consider how the divorce is affecting the children and what steps the courts should take in regards to the care of the children.  They may be called upon for a variety of reasons, whether it’s to settle a disagreement on how the day-to-day parenting situations should be taken care of as they arise or who should care for the children until the divorce is final and arrangements are made, legally, on paper for the children.  There are several types of evaluators that may be utilized in courtroom proceedings, and you should be familiar with each one to help know what they can do for you—and against you—in court.

Guardian Ad Litem (GAL)

A Guardian Ad Litem is typically there to evaluate the children and understand what is really in the best interests for them, with no regard to what the parents are for or against.  This evaluator is trained as both a social worker and a legal representative, and offers their recommendation to the judge after evaluating the family situation as a whole and understanding what is going on in the children’s lives and how they should continue forth.

Court Appointed Social Advocates (CASA)

Free or low cost, court appointed social advocates can help judges make an educated decision on child care and the provider by interviewing the children and parents and fully understanding what will affect them most.  They will typically arrange child custody and parental visitation on behalf of the courts.

Family Court Services

A somewhat biased group of evaluators, Family Court Services are typically trained by the county or state in which they work, and can be strongly against father’s rights.  It is important to be on their good side if you are facing an FCA Evaluator during your court case.

Child Protection Services (CPS)

Often abused by spiteful ex-wives looking to “get back” at their ex-husbands, child protection services is sometimes brought in to evaluate a family if there have been allegations or reasons to believe that abuse, neglect, or mistreatment to the children have occurred, by either the father OR the mother.  They are typically very much against fathers, as they have heard all the horror stories before, and are very hard to face in a father’s rights case.

For a wealth of free information on Father’s Rights winning information, check out Dennis Gac’s website at